When one or both children in the family are diagnosed with Autism, the whole family has Autism. Those of you who are here, will totally get what I mean. Not only is it a struggle for the child, it becomes the identity of the family. The pressures on the family are heartbreaking and intense. It is easy to give in to anger and self pity. To rage against the unfairness of what your child has to struggle with each day. Blame lingers in the air like the elephant in the living room that no one talks about. We are fighting an invisible enemy. Asperger's is an invisible entity to most of the world. It is not like having a missing arm or leg where people say "Oh! I get it!" When you have Aspergers, the part you struggle with is not something immediately obvious to the world.
In the early years before diagnosis, there is a lot of bafflement as parents grasp at straws trying to explain seemingly unexplainable behaviours. Often there is denial between parents about what is happening as one suspects there is something, and the other hopes there is not. Specialist after specialist, appointment after appointment. Struggles at school and at home. It strikes me that there is somehow a gap in the support offered to families as a whole even once a diagnosis is made. We treat the syndrome, but we do not treat the other survivors in the family. The siblings who have watched as the majority of the attention went to someone else. The parents who are too busy trying to survive often, to be able to offer each other much support. It becomes a game of survivor, like the popular TV series with each person only barely able to look after themselves.
Autism is genetically passed on in families. That was what we were told. But neither of us had anyone Autistic in our families. But the interesting thing is that most don't. Instead the family tree is full of engineers, mathematicians, architects, researchers. It seems to be that there are vague traits of it that run in families, and then suddenly those traits get distilled in one or more individuals in a generation. So it was both of us that contributed genetically and geneologically. I have to chuckle actually because more that a few of them are on my side!!! When our oldest son was diagnosed with ADD his dad said " I don't get it. Where would he get that from?"
I said, "Really? Really you have to ask that question?"
My business partner Leah says I am the only person she knows that can answer a question in the middle of prepping a tooth, be aware of who is in each chair and in what order I am supposed to go and see them. In lots of ways it makes me very good at my job!! I have to be able to split my attention in ten different directions to stay on top of 21 women and 11 chairs. I have simply chosen a career where instead of a disability, my natural skill set is a tremendous asset.
I have had this discussion with both of my children. We are exactly who we are meant to be. I believe that we choose our own incarnations. Autistic children are called the "Rainbow Keepers". I like to think of them as being half a second ahead of us in time. They see with different eyes, and in their own beautiful way they change our view of the world as well. It is important to be forgiving of our own humanity. As parents, we want everything for our children. And it is easy to fall prey to despair thinking that no matter what, it will never be enough. It is enough to be human, to wake up every morning, and start again. Start each day with a wish and a prayer, and forgive yourself for not being able to be super human. Because super human is not what they need anyway. They just need us, just as we are. As they chose us. We were always equipped for the job, from the very first day. We just need to trust that we already have everything they will ever need.
Because we do. Forgive yourself, and forgive each other.
In love and light,
Kathryn
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