Early on I told you the story of my youngest son and my encounter meeting one of my friends by chance when he was small. I ran over to say hi, gave her a big hug, chatted for a minute, hugged again and said good bye.
When he and I were alone again, he said " Mommy, how did you know what to do? "
"What do you mean?"
" How did you know what you were supposed to do when you saw that lady?"
Wow. The things we take for granted. A bit more conversation revealed he wanted to know did I shake her hand, did I hug her, kiss her, what? And what decided that? That was really the turning point of my understanding that we were going to be taking a different path.
A month after our diagnosis, my mom and I had the chance to go see Dr. Tony Attwood speak. He was truly amazing. He spoke on Adolescents with Aspergers and Autism, sexuality, all the things that were really pertinent for us. He has created an amazing tool called the CAT kit, which stands for Cognitive Affective Training. In short, how do we teach our kids to label and recognize their own emotions so that they can regulate their own behaviour ( in a way that makes sense to how they think).
I will cover different pieces of that kit in different blogs, but here I want to talk about Social Circles. We all intuitively understand degrees of closeness in relationships. Immediate family we are very affectionate with. A grocery store clerk, not so much! People with Autism and Aspergers have difficulty understanding where that line would be drawn. Tony has used the concept of a bullseye with many circles to explain. The center circle is immediate family. In that circle, with a pen, you can write the names of people in that category and what would be appropriate for them. It is completely customizable. The next ring might be Aunts and Uncles or if they are treated the same as immediate family in your situation, maybe close family friends. And so on and so on until you get to the outer circle of the mailman, the guy at the grocery store. A stranger you don't know.
With family, one might write, "hugging, kissing and cuddling", with family friends "maybe just hugging", teachers "high fives and hand shakes" , the mailman and the guy at the grocery store, " a wave". It creates a very predictable template that they can follow. We have found it really helpful because when he was smaller, everyone was fair game for any kind of affection. And while at 9, hugging the guy at the grocery store seems kind of cute, at 12, people start to feel very uncomfortable!
My mom had a great observation with him. When we used to go over and visit, he would get kind of confused about the ritual of everyone hugging and welcoming each other. He would either be a limp noodle, or he would be totally over the top with his greeting. She decided watching him, that maybe he needed a bit of time when he came in the door before he was ready for that and instead of creating the situation where he has no choice, she now waits for him to make his way to her and the experience is much more satisfying. He just needs a bit of time to work up to it.
Being a very visual learner and very rule based really helped this tool to become invaluable for him. He now gets very positive feedback in his social interactions because he has figured out the playbook and he can execute those moves like nobody's business. All he needed was a bit of support and for us to explain on paper what the plays were.
One more example of those fabulous visual supports. Have an amazing day,
In love and light,
Kathryn
When he and I were alone again, he said " Mommy, how did you know what to do? "
"What do you mean?"
" How did you know what you were supposed to do when you saw that lady?"
Wow. The things we take for granted. A bit more conversation revealed he wanted to know did I shake her hand, did I hug her, kiss her, what? And what decided that? That was really the turning point of my understanding that we were going to be taking a different path.
A month after our diagnosis, my mom and I had the chance to go see Dr. Tony Attwood speak. He was truly amazing. He spoke on Adolescents with Aspergers and Autism, sexuality, all the things that were really pertinent for us. He has created an amazing tool called the CAT kit, which stands for Cognitive Affective Training. In short, how do we teach our kids to label and recognize their own emotions so that they can regulate their own behaviour ( in a way that makes sense to how they think).
I will cover different pieces of that kit in different blogs, but here I want to talk about Social Circles. We all intuitively understand degrees of closeness in relationships. Immediate family we are very affectionate with. A grocery store clerk, not so much! People with Autism and Aspergers have difficulty understanding where that line would be drawn. Tony has used the concept of a bullseye with many circles to explain. The center circle is immediate family. In that circle, with a pen, you can write the names of people in that category and what would be appropriate for them. It is completely customizable. The next ring might be Aunts and Uncles or if they are treated the same as immediate family in your situation, maybe close family friends. And so on and so on until you get to the outer circle of the mailman, the guy at the grocery store. A stranger you don't know.
With family, one might write, "hugging, kissing and cuddling", with family friends "maybe just hugging", teachers "high fives and hand shakes" , the mailman and the guy at the grocery store, " a wave". It creates a very predictable template that they can follow. We have found it really helpful because when he was smaller, everyone was fair game for any kind of affection. And while at 9, hugging the guy at the grocery store seems kind of cute, at 12, people start to feel very uncomfortable!
My mom had a great observation with him. When we used to go over and visit, he would get kind of confused about the ritual of everyone hugging and welcoming each other. He would either be a limp noodle, or he would be totally over the top with his greeting. She decided watching him, that maybe he needed a bit of time when he came in the door before he was ready for that and instead of creating the situation where he has no choice, she now waits for him to make his way to her and the experience is much more satisfying. He just needs a bit of time to work up to it.
Being a very visual learner and very rule based really helped this tool to become invaluable for him. He now gets very positive feedback in his social interactions because he has figured out the playbook and he can execute those moves like nobody's business. All he needed was a bit of support and for us to explain on paper what the plays were.
One more example of those fabulous visual supports. Have an amazing day,
In love and light,
Kathryn
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