Something came to me in meditation yesterday. Something really important.
A good portion of my adult life has been spent hiding. When all of this came to light with our kids and no one would believe what was happening in our life I developed a coping mechanism. I know many of you are getting butterflies reading this now, because I know you know what I am going to say.
It becomes easy to put on a happy face and go into hiding about what is really happening in your life. To avoid the stares and comments about bad parenting, to avoid the discussion about what you should be doing differently, even to avoid your spouse. To avoid the demon of blame. Could I be responsible for this in some way? Am I too selfish because I love my work? Should I have stayed home? Would they have been different if I had focused my full attention on them instead of fullfilling my own needs?
Going into hiding is a bit of a dangerous game of avoidance. The cruel joke is that the people who really love you know you are suffering. They are all standing around witnessing what is happening and not quite sure how to name the elephant in the room.
The goofy part of it, is that my own experience of coming out of hiding once we had a real diagnosis was really healing. In an earlier blog I spoke about my decision to stand on the rooftop and yell " we have autism!!!!!!!" because I truly believe it is healthier for my family than pretending we have some terrible secret.
I believe that secrets are very damaging to everyone involved. When you have to keep secrets, you are in the wrong place.
I am naming the elephants in my life one by one. The elephant in yogic tradition is Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. There is no shame in acknowledging where you are at any point in your life. Remember Ganesh and stand up. Name the elephant and climb onto his back and let him carry you past the obstacles and into a better space.
By coming out of hiding, we have enabled my children to be proud of who they are, and who they are becoming. They are learning to embrace their gifts and talents and acknowledge their struggles. We all have them. In that regard they are the same as the rest of us. I thought I had learned the lesson through them, but as with all things, if it repeats, you have not quite got the message.
So I stand once again with Ganesh the forgiving beside me, my hands around his huge neck whispering a quiet "thank you" into his ear.
"Come into the light" is what I hear in reply. And my heart is glad.
In love and light,
Kathryn
A good portion of my adult life has been spent hiding. When all of this came to light with our kids and no one would believe what was happening in our life I developed a coping mechanism. I know many of you are getting butterflies reading this now, because I know you know what I am going to say.
It becomes easy to put on a happy face and go into hiding about what is really happening in your life. To avoid the stares and comments about bad parenting, to avoid the discussion about what you should be doing differently, even to avoid your spouse. To avoid the demon of blame. Could I be responsible for this in some way? Am I too selfish because I love my work? Should I have stayed home? Would they have been different if I had focused my full attention on them instead of fullfilling my own needs?
Going into hiding is a bit of a dangerous game of avoidance. The cruel joke is that the people who really love you know you are suffering. They are all standing around witnessing what is happening and not quite sure how to name the elephant in the room.
The goofy part of it, is that my own experience of coming out of hiding once we had a real diagnosis was really healing. In an earlier blog I spoke about my decision to stand on the rooftop and yell " we have autism!!!!!!!" because I truly believe it is healthier for my family than pretending we have some terrible secret.
I believe that secrets are very damaging to everyone involved. When you have to keep secrets, you are in the wrong place.
I am naming the elephants in my life one by one. The elephant in yogic tradition is Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. There is no shame in acknowledging where you are at any point in your life. Remember Ganesh and stand up. Name the elephant and climb onto his back and let him carry you past the obstacles and into a better space.
By coming out of hiding, we have enabled my children to be proud of who they are, and who they are becoming. They are learning to embrace their gifts and talents and acknowledge their struggles. We all have them. In that regard they are the same as the rest of us. I thought I had learned the lesson through them, but as with all things, if it repeats, you have not quite got the message.
So I stand once again with Ganesh the forgiving beside me, my hands around his huge neck whispering a quiet "thank you" into his ear.
"Come into the light" is what I hear in reply. And my heart is glad.
In love and light,
Kathryn
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