Tonight we had a pretty tough night.
My nanny was cleaning the kids rooms and found a box in each of the kids rooms full of their uneaten pills. I was furious. If you only knew what those pills cost you would understand the thoughts going through my mind as I sat looking at the jumble of unidentifiable, un-reusable because "I have no idea what is what", pills.
When I called the boys down to explain, I was met with silence. I told them I was disappointed. I explained the expense and the effort. I explained that one day they may choose not to do any of what we have offered. But the future they choose, they will have to live with. That the future I am trying to create will involve choices and freedom and whatever they choose to create. Without that help, that future is bleaker.
I let them eat without me as I sat and stared at the carpet wondering what I was going to do. Some days I am as tired of all this as they are. The crazy cooking, the endless counting of pills, the shots every three days , the endless gagging down pills. Part of me silently wonders how we have made it this far, and if I would have been able to do the same thing at 12 or 14. Or whether it would be me eating silently having been caught hiding the dreaded pills in my closet. That is truly something to soberly contemplate.
I grounded them which means no electronics, no computers and no TV, so at 8:50 everyone is already in bed. Or so I thought. I meditated for an hour to calm my temper and difuse some of the things I am feeling. As I came down the stairs, I see my youngest laying on the floor playing with the cat. I went into the family room to sit and I heard his footsteps behind me. I asked him if he wanted to talk, he nodded yes.
Now to give you a little background on ourTWO days of drama, yesterday we had a little incident yesterday at the store. He had asked me for something and I said yes, but in trying to help unload the groceries he ran out of hands and put the thing in his pocket and forgot about it. Now remember, he did ask for it and I said yes. We got all the way home and about ten minutes later he came upstairs with this grey look on his face. "Mom," he said. " when I was unloading the cart I put this in my pocket. We never paid for this."
After a long day, the last thing I want to do is go back to the store but what do you do. We got back in the car and headed back to Safeway. I explained to him that I knew it was an accident but that he could actually be charged with shoplifting, and that meant he could no longer have the card so that he remembered the lesson. I told him this was not punishment because I was really proud of him for telling me. We got there and walked in, I explained the situation and he apologized to the customer service agent who was wonderful ( and did the complete discussion about shoplifting in a very kind but firm way) and we left. He was sick and embarrased. Earlier on the way home he wanted sushi but his brother didn't and I was tired so we went home. Due to our detour, neither of us had eaten, but when I suggested sushi he said he just wanted to go home. I pulled over the car and said " You know what? If you hadn't come back upstairs I would never have known what happened. We are going for sushi to celebrate your integrity. It takes courage to do what you did. It is never a problem to make a mistake, you just need to have the courage to make it right ." So we went, and we had a great time and a good visit. I told him I was proud of him. That he was noble. That he had integrity. And that those things were beyond value.
As he sat beside me tonight the first thing out of his mouth was "I am sorry. Sometimes it is so hard in the morning to take all the pills. It is so rushed and I am so tired. I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to make us late. You told me yesterday I was noble, but I'm not. I'm not." And the look of agony on his face made a sound in my chest. I think it was my heart cracking into tiny pieces.
I sat with tears in my eyes and I reached for his hand. "You are noble . Twice in two days, you have made a mistake and had the courage to come and make it right. Not one of us is perfect. Especially not me. All of us drop the ball sometimes. It is what we choose to do when it happens that matters.I can get you up earlier, and we can go to bed earlier so that you have the time you need. I appreciate your being honest and will do everything I can to help. I know it's hard and I see how hard you are trying. I love you and even when you make mistakes that doesn't change. Not one tiny bit. I hated taking pills when I was your age and every day when I watch you I wonder if I would have managed as well if it had been me. Do you know how much it means to me that you are sharing your feelings? Do you think I don't understand how difficult that is for you? I am proud of you. So very proud. Go to sleep. The slate is clean. Tomorrow is a new day. When things go perfectly, we learn nothing. We only learn when we fall and plant our face in the dirt. Those are the best days, for in them are the lessons of life."
Some days as a parent are very humbling. most days I wonder if it is me or them who is teaching. I thank God for every step of this journey and for these beautiful children of mine. I am sure tomorrow will hold another lesson with my firstborn when he has had time to process his own feelings. I humbly ask that the words that will be most meaningful for him, be mine in that moment.
In love and light,
Kathryn
My nanny was cleaning the kids rooms and found a box in each of the kids rooms full of their uneaten pills. I was furious. If you only knew what those pills cost you would understand the thoughts going through my mind as I sat looking at the jumble of unidentifiable, un-reusable because "I have no idea what is what", pills.
When I called the boys down to explain, I was met with silence. I told them I was disappointed. I explained the expense and the effort. I explained that one day they may choose not to do any of what we have offered. But the future they choose, they will have to live with. That the future I am trying to create will involve choices and freedom and whatever they choose to create. Without that help, that future is bleaker.
I let them eat without me as I sat and stared at the carpet wondering what I was going to do. Some days I am as tired of all this as they are. The crazy cooking, the endless counting of pills, the shots every three days , the endless gagging down pills. Part of me silently wonders how we have made it this far, and if I would have been able to do the same thing at 12 or 14. Or whether it would be me eating silently having been caught hiding the dreaded pills in my closet. That is truly something to soberly contemplate.
I grounded them which means no electronics, no computers and no TV, so at 8:50 everyone is already in bed. Or so I thought. I meditated for an hour to calm my temper and difuse some of the things I am feeling. As I came down the stairs, I see my youngest laying on the floor playing with the cat. I went into the family room to sit and I heard his footsteps behind me. I asked him if he wanted to talk, he nodded yes.
Now to give you a little background on ourTWO days of drama, yesterday we had a little incident yesterday at the store. He had asked me for something and I said yes, but in trying to help unload the groceries he ran out of hands and put the thing in his pocket and forgot about it. Now remember, he did ask for it and I said yes. We got all the way home and about ten minutes later he came upstairs with this grey look on his face. "Mom," he said. " when I was unloading the cart I put this in my pocket. We never paid for this."
After a long day, the last thing I want to do is go back to the store but what do you do. We got back in the car and headed back to Safeway. I explained to him that I knew it was an accident but that he could actually be charged with shoplifting, and that meant he could no longer have the card so that he remembered the lesson. I told him this was not punishment because I was really proud of him for telling me. We got there and walked in, I explained the situation and he apologized to the customer service agent who was wonderful ( and did the complete discussion about shoplifting in a very kind but firm way) and we left. He was sick and embarrased. Earlier on the way home he wanted sushi but his brother didn't and I was tired so we went home. Due to our detour, neither of us had eaten, but when I suggested sushi he said he just wanted to go home. I pulled over the car and said " You know what? If you hadn't come back upstairs I would never have known what happened. We are going for sushi to celebrate your integrity. It takes courage to do what you did. It is never a problem to make a mistake, you just need to have the courage to make it right ." So we went, and we had a great time and a good visit. I told him I was proud of him. That he was noble. That he had integrity. And that those things were beyond value.
As he sat beside me tonight the first thing out of his mouth was "I am sorry. Sometimes it is so hard in the morning to take all the pills. It is so rushed and I am so tired. I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to make us late. You told me yesterday I was noble, but I'm not. I'm not." And the look of agony on his face made a sound in my chest. I think it was my heart cracking into tiny pieces.
I sat with tears in my eyes and I reached for his hand. "You are noble . Twice in two days, you have made a mistake and had the courage to come and make it right. Not one of us is perfect. Especially not me. All of us drop the ball sometimes. It is what we choose to do when it happens that matters.I can get you up earlier, and we can go to bed earlier so that you have the time you need. I appreciate your being honest and will do everything I can to help. I know it's hard and I see how hard you are trying. I love you and even when you make mistakes that doesn't change. Not one tiny bit. I hated taking pills when I was your age and every day when I watch you I wonder if I would have managed as well if it had been me. Do you know how much it means to me that you are sharing your feelings? Do you think I don't understand how difficult that is for you? I am proud of you. So very proud. Go to sleep. The slate is clean. Tomorrow is a new day. When things go perfectly, we learn nothing. We only learn when we fall and plant our face in the dirt. Those are the best days, for in them are the lessons of life."
Some days as a parent are very humbling. most days I wonder if it is me or them who is teaching. I thank God for every step of this journey and for these beautiful children of mine. I am sure tomorrow will hold another lesson with my firstborn when he has had time to process his own feelings. I humbly ask that the words that will be most meaningful for him, be mine in that moment.
In love and light,
Kathryn
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