A Blessing to Share

 A few years ago when I finished Personal Best Three, I gave this to all the participants as a gift along with a personal letter.

I have never forgotten the words, but I did forget the message for a while. I thought I would share it with all of you because it is a really beautiful message. 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

 It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'

Actually, who are you not to be?

 You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

 We are all meant to shine, as children do.

 We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

 And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

 As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

 Marianne Williamson

May I finally learn to walk this talk. 

Kathryn 

Hiding

Something came to me in meditation yesterday. Something really important.

A good portion of my adult life has been spent hiding. When all of this came to light with our kids and no one would believe what was happening in our life I developed a coping mechanism. I know many of you are getting butterflies reading this now, because I know you know what I am going to say.

It becomes easy to put on a happy face and go into hiding about what is really happening in your life. To avoid the stares and comments about bad parenting, to avoid the discussion about what you should be doing differently, even to avoid your spouse. To avoid the demon of blame. Could I be responsible for this in some way? Am I too selfish because I love my work? Should I have stayed home? Would they have been different if I had focused my full attention on them instead of fullfilling my own needs?

Going into hiding is a bit of a dangerous game of avoidance. The cruel joke is that the people who really love you know you are suffering. They are all standing around witnessing what is happening and not quite sure how to name the elephant in the room.

The goofy part of it, is that my own experience of coming out of hiding once we had a real diagnosis was really healing. In an earlier blog I spoke about my decision to stand on the rooftop and yell " we have autism!!!!!!!" because I truly believe it is healthier for my family than pretending we have some terrible secret.
I believe that secrets are very damaging to everyone involved. When you have to keep secrets, you are in the wrong place.

I am naming the elephants in my life one by one. The elephant in yogic tradition is Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. There is no shame in acknowledging where you are at any point in your life. Remember Ganesh and stand up. Name the elephant and climb onto his back and let him carry you past the obstacles and into a better space.

By coming out of hiding, we have enabled my children to be proud of who they are, and who they are becoming. They are learning to embrace their gifts and talents and acknowledge their struggles. We all have them. In that regard they are the same as the rest of us. I thought I had learned the lesson through them, but as with all things, if it repeats, you have not quite got the message.

So I stand once again with Ganesh the forgiving beside me, my hands around his huge neck whispering a quiet "thank you" into his ear.
"Come into the light" is what I hear in reply. And my heart is glad.

In love and light,
Kathryn

Maybe This is the New Evolution

I had a wonderful comment from a favorite patient who sent an article called "Indigo Children".

I had heard the term used to describe Autistic kids before. My mom the same week brought me an article from the Edmonton Journal entitled " Autistics different, not inferior, researchers say".

Well those of us with these special children can echo that. The article talks a lot about brain differences, but states very clearly, that although they activate different areas of the brain, there is no less brain activity. When we got our diagnosis, my mom and I did a bunch of reading about how the prevalence of diagnosis has increased so dramatically over the last few decades. Was it better diagnosis? More actual cases? Was old uncle Arnold just eccentric like we all thought, or is it possible he had Asperger's before it had a name?

Has the food we eat and create that bears no resemblance to what nature intended finally gummed up our systems to the point where our bodies are starting to revolt? Genetically are our children getting less and less tolerant of chemicals and artificial ingredients? Is this the start of our awakening? A realization that we cannot continue doing to the earth what we have been doing and survive as a species. That we need to return to whole foods, pay attention to what we put into our bodies and in turn what we return to the earth.

My mom and I were laughing actually thinking maybe this is actually an evolutionary process. Maybe something is coming where it will be an advantage to see the world in a completely different way. Maybe they are the new models and it is actually us that are now the outdated models!!!!!!!!!!! Thank god I have two of them to show me the way into the new world!!

No matter what, I do believe that they will lead the way where the rest of us may be unable to see the path.
Different but not inferior,

In love and light,
Kathryn

Humble Moments

I had one of the most humbling moments of my life yesterday. And I thank you for that.

I had to find my courage and take my life back. I had to look at myself and realize that only I could make that change. To forgive myself, to decide it doesn't matter how I got here, only how I get home.  For all the amazing people in my life who have been holding vigil waiting for me to remember who I am, thank you.

I hold on to the knowledge that we all make mistakes. Maybe my youngest son knew last week he needed to set the bar, and like him I need to summon the guts to stand in front of the world and admit where I am. Only then can the healing begin.
I have been lucky in my life not to have experienced much darkness. I have an amazing family who loves me, a blessed life really. I have friends who have been standing by, waiting in the light.

For all I thought I had learned, I still gave my power away. And that is a lesson that has been worth all the learning that I have been through in the past few years. I will never give my power away again.
A special friend once said to me " Sometimes people come  into your life to make you stand up and declare who you are." How wise you were and are. Thank you for that early message. I have held it close to my heart every day.

I offer my thanks this day for all the gifts in my life. All the people who love me, and whom I love. I humbly appologize for being gone so long. I have remembered myself. I am coming home.

In love and light,
Kathryn

"The World Breaks Us All....

  And some find their strength within the broken pieces. "
 
   I was invited to a wonderful concert last night with friends at the Winspear Center. The band was one I didn't recognize, a group from South Africa by the name of Johnny Clegg. They were a group that was very passionate about abolishing apartheid. And they were amazing.

   Johnny mentioned that one of the most important things that happened to him as a youth was the visit of Ted Kennedy to South Africa. No one wanted him to come, but he came anyway to see what was happening for himself. He then spoke at a number of campuses across South Africa. Johnny was in the audience at one of those talks and Ted Kennedy told them that this was not only their problem. That racism was a global issue, and that South Africa was simply one more place struggling against it. Johnny explained that until then, the youth of South Africa felt they were in a bubble. That no one understood what they were fighting against. Ted Kennedy made them feel part of something much bigger.
  
   Ted Kennedy of course had many problems in his life when he returned to the States including the scandal of Chapaquidick ( I probably totally misspelled that) and alcoholism just to name a few. He found love late in life and went on to regain face, and legislate a couple of hundred laws during his life of public service. He championed many causes and made a real difference in the world through his contributions. The above quote was said about him at his funeral.

   I have heard it said that Nelson Mandela was a reckless and arrogant man before spending most of his life in prison. Prison was the making of a hero. A wise man. A leader.

   I sat in the audience last night and thought about how the forces of our lives shape each and every one of us. That we can no more hope to escape this life unscathed than we could hope to escape being born. Every aspect of what we face in life, is like the fire that tempers the steel of our character. Instead of raging against the things that test us the most, we should be grateful, for it is those things that often forge the very traits that give us the strength to stand up for what we believe in. That make us unafraid of what others will think of us.  When you have faced the bottom and lived, what more have you to lose?

   I admire people who have faced that kind of adversity and moved through it to come out the other side a better person. I truly believe I have more to learn from someone who has fallen a few times and taken a few wrong turns, than from someone who has done it all "right". I want to teach my own sons, it is not when you fall and make a mistake that you fail. It is when you don't get right back up again. There is no shame in making a mistake, only in not correcting it once you realize you have made it.  Sometimes kids today are so afraid to make a mistake that they get frozen.  Stuck, paralyzed to make a wrong turn. What I have learned in my life is that things come to you when you are in motion. And sometimes you think you have taken the wrong way, when in fact what you ran into, might end up being the making of you.

   Food for thought...

In love and light,
Kathryn
 

Happy Easter!

  The funny part is with the gluten casein free diet Easter has now become a chocolate free holiday for us! It used to be my excuse to indulge in those crazy easter creame eggs. This weekend, my boys are with their dad, and instead of eating my weight in chocolate, I have spent the days thinking about the true meaning of Easter.

   With all the commercial buzz that we create around these holidays, whether it is Christmas or Easter it is easy to lose the meaning in a heap of chocolate. Last night I attended a special service put on by the Center for Spiritual Living, a group that opens it's arms to all denominations. I got to drive there with the daughters of my closest friend in my car. They were asking me what Easter was all about. What did it mean? I thought for a minute (they are four and six) "Easter is about rebirth, renewal. Wiping the slate clean. Offering forgiveness to anyone you have been hanging on to bad feelings with." When the little sweetheart in the backseat heard my explanation, she turned to her little sister and said quietly " I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry".

   I almost started to cry driving. We sat during a beautiful service in the city hall pyramids, the sunset light reflecting off the panes of glass, voices raised in song and I thought, it really is that easy. Forgiveness really is that easy. I am sorry. How often do we stick to our own point, right or wrong and forget that we can be right, or we can be happy?

  If hanging on the cross, on the darkest night of his life, alone, he could ask God to forgive the very people hurting him, how hard can it be for us to offer each other forgiveness?
Sometimes the very clearest moments in life come from the smallest and most innocent around us. I am reminded of the story about the truck stuck under the bridge. Countless experts were brought in to solve the problem, but in the end it was a little girl in a passing car who suggested letting the air out of the tires.

  So simple, and yet so profound. I wish you this Easter a blessed holiday. I wish you health and happiness. I wish you the forgiveness of those you love, and of those who love you. May we all let a little air out of our tires this weekend. May we all go forward with a clean slate and remember the message of Easter is not just about one weekend. It is the most difficult lesson to master but the one that sets you free.

   We hold on to our forgiveness instead of giving it away, as though it was "the forgiveness" itself that was precious. It is not the one who has the most forgiveness left in the end that has understood, but the one who has given it all alway. At the end of my life when I stand before him, I hope to be able to say to him, "I have nothing left, I used every gift you gave me."
  

   Thank you for such a beautiful message, from the heart of someone so special to me.
In love and light,
Kathryn

Just Passing Through...

  Earlier this spring I was desperate for a vacation. We hadn't been able to get away all year due to the changes in our lives and I was exhausted. In desperation, I booked the retreat in Sedona with Leah. I also almost signed up for Vipassana which is a 10 day meditation retreat. I was desperate for some self care time and at that point, 10 days of soulfull silence sounded like heaven.

  I just finished my meditation this morning and my entire leg is numb from hip to toes on my right side. It reminds me of the story a dear friend told me about her Vipassana experience. Now for those of you who don't know, Vipassana is a silent retreat, no talking and you meditate about 11-12 hours per day. I have just completed an hour with a numb leg. Imagine tacking on another 11 to that! She told me the first day was agony. Every inch of her body was on fire. She went to speak to the instructor and she told me she was completely angry! She said to him "How can I focus on my breathe hitting my lip when I am in this much pain?" He just smiled and said it will get better.

   She said it did. Slowly. But the most profound lesson was that the more she focused on it, the worse it got. When she removed her attention from it, it often passed. Now remember she had a lot of time for it to pass ! But it did. Even leg numbness. I have yet to be able to sit long enough for it to pass on it's own, but she assures me, it does pass.

   It is a lesson in life that nothing is permanent. That our purpose here is to allow things to pass through us. To realize that joys and sorrows are all part of life and not to attach to them as being defining. All of us have good days and bad days, joys and pains. We must keep moving forward and looking for the next sunrise and knowing that everything that comes to us is a gift. But to hold on to hurts or even one moment of joy is to become stuck and stop the flow of life as it is meant to be.

    It is to stand in the middle of spring rain and fell the moments of life trickling down over your skin. To taste the clear clean water on your tongue. To smell the earthy scents that rise up as it touches the ground. To be alive. To simply be.

    To pass through.
        In love and light,

             Kathryn

The Body Thermometer - A Personal Gauge of Emotion

    My assistant told me a funny story yesterday. Her daughter, who is also Asperger's, gets one hour of computer time a day. On the weekend she kind of "extended" her computer time on her own on Saturday, so on Sunday, she was told that she had used all of her time. She looked at her mother, crossed her arms and growled!!!!!!! Really Growled!!!

    Now my assistant was less than impressed and put her in an immediate time out but her husband ran over pulled her aside and said "but look! She is showing emotion!" She related the story and told me that usually the only way you could tell her daughter was mad was that she would cross her arms and little red spots would break out on her face. Tiny angry spots were the only leaks of her emotions.

   One of the greatest pieces of Dr. Tony Attwood's CAT kit , is a section called the Body Thermometer.
It is a pretty simple concept. Our kids are relatively unaware of emotion. And they definitely don't label it the way we do. However, the biological indicators are the same for all of us. Anger shows us as heat, sweaty hands, heart pounding, sometimes headache, anxiety. Happy shows up as a feeling of energy, lightness, tingling, uncontrollable giggles. Funny enough, the indicators for fear and excitement are the same. Isn't that interesting? In that case, it is how the "mind" chooses to label the indicators. Which means, we actually have a choice noticing that set of indicators.  Personally, I always enjoy excitement a lot more than fear!

   The idea behind the body thermometer is that it is a laminated picture of a body. There are blanks all around the figure, beside the hands, heart, head, etc that you can fill out. There are also colour zones, green, yellow and red. You can think of them like stop lights. Green are emotions you don't have to monitor too closely. It is hard to hurt someone getting too happy. Yellow, is the zone where we start to pay attention to possible problematic emotions or early indications. Red, is where we notice the full blown expression of emotions like anger, sadness, fear etc.
 
    Helping our kids control their behaviour around their emotions requires that they first  be able to recognize the signs their bodies are giving them that they are entering that emotional state. This looks different for each person although there are general cues. The best way to start is in the moment that they are experiencing an emotion, create a process where you can do a body inventory with them. What is happening in your head right now? How about your hands? Are you clenching your hands into fists? Are they open? Are they sweaty or cold or warm?
   
   Help them make an inventory of what happens to them during some basic familiar emotions.
Once you have done this you can refine it into what happens first? ( yellow zone) What are the early signs that they are going into an emotion. What is the full blown expression of that emotion? Our kids are highly logical. They don't understand the nuances, but they can definitely pay attention to details. And they can be taught to control outbursts and emotional meltdowns by recognizing the signs. Once our kids can recognize what is happening there is a chance to remove themselves from a situation before they encounter a negative experience such as a meltdown in the classroom. There is a chance to do it differently, to excuse themselves, to find a quiet place to have a time out. To create their own space.

   There is a sense of comfort when you are in control of your own body. When it doesn't feel like what is happening is out of your control. I encourage you to google the CAT kit and do a little research of your own. This is an invaluable tool for any child.

In love and light,
Kathryn

Stillness

There are moments in this whole crazy process where I don't know which way is up.

Which way to turn, to find that which makes me whole.

And there are moments of crystal clarity and peace. Beautiful moments which slip over me in the stillness sometimes, when I actually stop moving and get into the space of allow. Surrender.

I am looking deep in my heart, seeking to find the spring of my own soul. The throne of my spirit. As I practice my meditation I am filled will a profound feeling of gratitude for all the things in my life. I have been gifted with a amazing partner. Someone who has brought the true meaning of faith into my life. I have never been afraid of life's challenges. I have always felt in my heart that somehow, I came equiped for all the roads I would be asked to travel. When he showed up in my life, it was like I had always been waiting for him. Like we had known each other a thousand lifetimes. Someone who loves me and my children. Who loves and supports us all.

My children are doing amazing. They both got honours on their report cards last week. My youngest in five subjects, my oldest in six! I am so very proud of them I can't even tell you. They are growing up to be kind and gentle with great senses of humour. They are tolerating the whole diet process and well, the pills are a constant struggle, but it is the fabric of our life. All of it.

I sat this morning watching the first beautiful sunrise reflected on the house behind mine, full of pinks and oranges, and I was filled with a feeling of awe. And a messsage not to waste a single moment of what I have been given. To dive into life without fear, and without regret. Life is to be savoured, all of it, the bitter, the sweet. There is nothing to be divided out as "off" or "bad ". It is all part of the experience. Without the difficulties, the joys would be halfed. The subtle different tastes are not meant to overwhelm the dish, but to blend and enhance the entire flavour. Without salt, sugar has less taste. It all has to be there for us to get the full experience of what we are asking for. I want the whole experience of life.

And so each night I set aside a bit of time to empty out my vessel. To sit in the stillness, to allow, to flow,
to pray that those that I love know how very deeply I love them. And to give thanks for the love that surrounds me in this space. To savour the flavours of my life with complete abandon. And in the space I create within myself I feel the beautiful sensation of life rushing in.....

In love and light,
Kathryn

In His Own Words- A Perspective From the Insider

Hey ummm... Hi. This is my first time doing this and I'm not a master typer like my mom, but I think I can get this down. If only you could taste the food were eating. Sometimes it is great and tasty and somtimes I can barely get it down. Not saying my moms a bad cook. I mean the foods great but it doesn't always go together. But seriously, I have to say if you were me the worst thing is the pills.

But my life isnt all mysery, ;) waffle (oh by the way instead of lol or rofl i say waffle) The fun part of today is I went to my nannies niece's 18th birthday today. Now if mom hasn't told you yet I am terribly shy and not a good dancer so when we went on the dancefloor I looked like a chicken  with its head cut off. It was still fun though. The funnest part was the karaoke. I sang YMCA . I told everyone to get up and they all started dancing and making the letters while I sang. The worst part was not being able to have any cake.

That's it for tonight everyone.
Waffle,
Garrett

The Bullseye Technique- Social Circles

   Early on I told you the story of my youngest son and my encounter meeting one of my friends by chance when he was small. I ran over to say hi, gave her a big hug, chatted for a minute, hugged again and said good bye.
When he and I were alone again, he said " Mommy, how did you know what to do? "
"What do you mean?"
" How did you know what you were supposed to do when you saw that lady?"

Wow. The things we take for granted. A bit more conversation revealed he wanted to know did I shake her hand, did I hug her, kiss her, what? And what decided that? That was really the turning point of my understanding that we were going to be taking a different path.

  A month after our diagnosis, my mom and I had the chance to go see Dr. Tony Attwood speak. He was truly amazing. He spoke on Adolescents with Aspergers and Autism, sexuality, all the things that were really pertinent for us. He has created an amazing tool called the CAT kit, which stands for Cognitive Affective Training. In short, how do we teach our kids to label and recognize their own emotions so that they can regulate their own behaviour ( in a way that makes sense to how they think).

  I will cover different pieces of that kit in different blogs, but here I want to talk about Social Circles. We all intuitively understand degrees of closeness in relationships. Immediate family we are very affectionate with. A grocery store clerk, not so much! People with Autism and Aspergers have difficulty understanding where that line would be drawn. Tony has used the concept of a bullseye with many circles to explain. The center circle is immediate family. In that circle, with a pen, you can write the names of people in that category and what would be appropriate for them. It is completely customizable. The next ring might be Aunts and Uncles or if they are treated the same as immediate family in your situation, maybe close family friends. And so on and so on until you get to the outer circle of the mailman, the guy at the grocery store. A stranger you don't know.

   With family, one might write, "hugging, kissing and cuddling", with family friends "maybe just hugging", teachers "high fives and hand shakes" , the mailman and the guy at the grocery store, " a wave". It creates a very predictable template that they can follow. We have found it really helpful because when he was smaller, everyone was fair game for any kind of affection. And while at 9, hugging the guy at the grocery store seems kind of cute, at 12, people start to feel very uncomfortable!

    My mom had a great observation with him. When we used to go over and visit, he would get kind of confused about the ritual of everyone hugging and welcoming each other. He would either be a limp noodle, or he would be totally over the top with his greeting. She decided watching him, that maybe he needed a bit of time when he came in the door before he was ready for that and instead of creating the situation where he has no choice, she now waits for him to make his way to her and the experience is much more satisfying. He just needs a bit of time to work up to it.

    Being a very visual learner and very rule based really helped this tool to become invaluable for him. He now gets very positive feedback in his social interactions because he has figured out the playbook and he can execute those moves like nobody's business. All he needed was a bit of support and for us to explain on paper what the plays were.

    One more example of those fabulous visual supports. Have an amazing day,
In love and light,
Kathryn

We All Have Autism - The Role of Autism in the Family

  When one or both children in the family are diagnosed with Autism, the whole family has Autism. Those of you who are here, will totally get what I mean. Not only is it a struggle for the child, it becomes the identity of the family. The pressures on the family are heartbreaking and intense. It is easy to give in to anger and self pity. To rage against the unfairness of what your child has to struggle with each day. Blame lingers in the air like the elephant in the living room that no one talks about. We are fighting an invisible enemy. Asperger's is an invisible entity to most of the world. It is not like having a missing arm or leg where people say "Oh! I get it!" When you have Aspergers, the part you struggle with is not something immediately obvious to the world.

  In the early years before diagnosis, there is a lot of bafflement as parents grasp at straws trying to explain seemingly unexplainable behaviours. Often there is denial between parents about what is happening as one suspects there is something, and the other hopes there is not. Specialist after specialist, appointment after appointment. Struggles at school and at home. It strikes me that there is somehow a gap in the support offered to families as a whole even once a diagnosis is made. We treat the syndrome, but we do not treat the other survivors in the family. The siblings who have watched as the majority of the attention went to someone else. The parents who are too busy trying to survive often, to be able to offer each other much support. It becomes a game of survivor, like the popular TV series with each person only barely able to look after themselves.

   Autism is genetically passed on in families. That was what we were told. But neither of us had anyone Autistic in our families. But the interesting thing is that most don't. Instead  the family tree is full of engineers, mathematicians, architects, researchers. It seems to be that there are vague traits of it that run in families, and then suddenly those traits get distilled in one or more individuals in a generation. So it was both of us that contributed genetically and geneologically. I have to chuckle actually because more that a few of them are on my side!!! When our oldest son was diagnosed with ADD his dad said " I don't get it. Where would he get that from?"
I said, "Really? Really you have to ask that question?"
My business partner Leah says I am the only person she knows that can answer a question in the middle of prepping a tooth, be aware of who is in each chair and in what order I am supposed to go and see them. In lots of ways it makes me very good at my job!! I have to be able to split my attention in ten different directions to stay on top of 21 women and 11 chairs. I have simply chosen a career where instead of a disability, my natural skill set is a tremendous asset.

   I have had this discussion with both of my children. We are exactly who we are meant to be. I believe that we choose our own incarnations. Autistic children are called the "Rainbow Keepers". I like to think of them as being half a second ahead of us in time.  They see with different eyes, and in their own beautiful way they change our view of the world as well. It is important to be forgiving of our own humanity. As parents, we want everything for our children. And it is easy to fall prey to despair thinking that no matter what, it will never be enough. It is enough to be human, to wake up every morning, and start again. Start each day with a wish and a prayer, and forgive yourself for not being able to be super human. Because super human is not what they need anyway. They just need us, just as we are. As they chose us. We were always equipped for the job, from the very first day. We just need to trust that we already have everything they will ever need.
Because we do.  Forgive yourself, and forgive each other.

  In love and light,
Kathryn

I'm not Noble......Lessons in Life

  Tonight we had a pretty tough night.

  My nanny was cleaning the kids rooms and found a box in each of the kids rooms full of their uneaten pills. I was furious. If you only knew what those pills cost you would understand the thoughts going through my mind as I sat looking at the jumble of unidentifiable, un-reusable because "I have no idea what is what", pills.

  When I called the boys down to explain, I was met with silence. I told them I was disappointed. I explained the expense and the effort. I explained that one day they may choose not to do any of what we have offered. But the future they choose, they will have to live with. That the future I am trying to create will involve choices and freedom and whatever they choose to create. Without that help, that future is bleaker.

   I let them eat without me as I sat and stared at the carpet wondering what I was going to do. Some days I am as tired of all this as they are. The crazy cooking, the endless counting of pills, the shots every three days , the endless gagging down pills. Part of me silently wonders how we have made it this far, and if I would have been able to do the same thing at 12 or 14. Or whether it would be me eating silently having been caught hiding the dreaded pills in my closet. That is truly something to soberly contemplate.

  I grounded them which means no electronics, no computers and no TV, so at 8:50 everyone is already in bed. Or so I thought. I meditated for an hour to calm my temper and difuse some of the things I am feeling. As I came down the stairs, I see my youngest laying on the floor playing with the cat. I went into the family room to sit and I heard his footsteps behind me. I asked him if he wanted to talk, he nodded yes.

   Now to give you a little background on ourTWO days of drama, yesterday we had a little incident yesterday at the store. He had asked me for something and I said yes, but in trying to help unload the groceries he ran out of hands and put the thing in his pocket and forgot about it. Now remember, he did ask for it and I said yes. We got all the way home and about ten minutes later he came upstairs with this grey look on his face. "Mom," he said. " when I was unloading the cart I put this in my pocket. We never paid for this."

  After a long day, the last thing I want to do is go back to the store but what do you do. We got back in the car and headed back to Safeway. I explained to him that I knew it was an accident but that he could actually be charged with shoplifting, and that meant he could no longer have the card so that he remembered the lesson. I told him this was not punishment because I was really proud of him for telling me. We got there and walked in, I explained the situation and he apologized to the customer service agent who was wonderful ( and did the complete discussion about shoplifting in a very kind but firm way) and we left. He was sick and embarrased. Earlier on the way home he wanted sushi but his brother didn't and I was tired so we went home. Due to our detour, neither of us had eaten, but when I suggested sushi he said he just wanted to go home. I pulled over the car and said " You know what? If you hadn't come back upstairs I would never have known what happened.  We are going for sushi to celebrate your integrity. It takes courage to do what you did. It is never a problem to make a mistake, you just need to have the courage to make it right ." So we went, and we had a great time and a good visit. I told him I was proud of him. That he was noble. That he had integrity. And that those things were beyond value.

   As he sat beside me tonight the first thing out of his mouth was "I am sorry. Sometimes it is so hard in the morning to take all the pills. It is so rushed and I am so tired. I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to make us late. You told me yesterday I was noble, but I'm not. I'm not." And the look of agony on his face made a sound in my chest. I think it was my heart cracking into tiny pieces.

   I sat with tears in my eyes and I reached for his hand. "You are noble . Twice in two days, you have made a mistake and had the courage to come and make it right. Not one of us is perfect. Especially not me. All of us drop the ball sometimes. It is what we choose to do when it happens that matters.I can get you up earlier, and we can go to bed earlier so that you have the time you need. I appreciate your being honest and will do everything I can to help. I know it's hard and I see how hard you are trying. I love you and even when you make mistakes that doesn't change. Not one tiny bit. I hated taking pills when I was your age and every day when I watch you I wonder if I would have managed as well if it had been me. Do you know how much it means to me that you are sharing your feelings? Do you think I don't understand how difficult that is for you? I am proud of you. So very proud. Go to sleep. The slate is clean. Tomorrow is a new day. When things go perfectly, we learn nothing. We only learn when we fall and plant our face in the dirt. Those are the best days, for in them are the lessons of life."

    Some days as a parent are very humbling. most days I wonder if it is me or them who is teaching.  I thank God for every step of this journey and for these beautiful children of mine. I am sure tomorrow will hold another lesson with my firstborn when he has had time to process his own feelings. I humbly ask that the words that will be most meaningful for him, be mine in that moment.

  In love and light,
Kathryn

Stimming- The World of Sensory Adaptation

Jenina, this one's for you.
  One of my wonderful assistants at work has a beautiful daughter with autism as well. We are on the path of learning everyday together, constantly comparing notes and histories.  She asked me to do a piece on stimming to help her understand some of her daughters behaviours.

  Stimming by definition is self stimulation of any of the senses. It often consists of repetitive behaviours, some of a socially acceptable type and some not. The theory is that this is the way autistic kids manage their sensory input. Some of the behaviors are meant to be excitatory and others are meant to be calming.

   Here are some common examples of stimming:
visual- staring at lights, lining things up, flicking fingers in front of their eyes, blinking
auditory-snapping fingers, humming, grunting, singing
smell- smelling objects or people
taste-licking object and placing objects in the mouth
tactile-scratching, toe-walking, hair twisting, clapping, nail biting
vestibular- rocking, jumping, spinning, pacing
proprioception- teeth grinding, pacing and jumping

  All of us engage in some of these behaviours, but for our kids they can be so excessive that it actually interferes with their ability to do school work or focus their attention. Lots of these behaviours can be dealt with using the help of an OT or occupational therapist. My youngest son had several stimming behaviours when he was smaller that just seem to have extinguished themselves, partly due to training and perhaps partly because of our dietary changes.

   He was late to walk, ( 17 mths) and we were concerned enough that we went to our pediatrician who referred us to a pediatrical orthopoedic surgeon to see if there was some organic reason he was not walking. He couldn't identify any problems other than a slight torsion of both of his femurs, but he assured us that many professional athletes have the same thing.Within a month, he did in fact start to walk, but he never "practiced" much, he just one day stood up and walked. And with that came the toe walking which lasted about 2 years.  We tried everything short of tying weights to his heels to get him to stop, but once he had to wear shoes regularly it just seemed to go away.

   He never had many visual stimming behaviours, instead his were mostly auditory. He is quite a talented musician, and he never stops humming or singing. He drives his brother crazy! I often think he would make a great singer or actor because he has no stage fright at all. When he was younger, we would walk into a restaurant and he would be singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs, regardless of the time of year. He has an amazing voice, so it is not that bad a talent. He once stood up at a staff function without being asked and sang a beautiful ballad to the bride to be in a party of 30 women! What I could have done in my life without stage fright!

   The only other time I notice him stimming is during times of extreme excitement or extreme stress. He will flap his hands in both of these situations and will be completely unaware of it as though he has someone else's body.

    The conference I was at in January had some great suggestions that I had never heard about. There was a company called Innovaid in Edmonton that produces weighted products like vests, blankets and neck wraps. Some people find that their kids respond to pressure therapy where children are placed between two soft object like bean bag chairs and compressed. It is the same idea as Temple Grandins squeeze machine. The outcome is that it produces a calming effect in kids and adults that are touch averse or find their environment too stimulating. I did purchase a blanket for both of my boys but like everything else in autism, not everything works for every person. However, I have a staff member who was suffering with anxiety and I think the blanket worked reasonably well for her. It was an interesting idea, and I have since spoken to many people for whom these aids work like nothing else. As a kid, my grandmother had given me a silk and cotton carded quilt. That sucker must have weighed at least 30 lb and I could not sleep without it. Even now no matter how hot it is, I can't sleep without a heavy blanket. My youngest is a bit claustrophobic and couldn't manage the weight.

   Some as I said, are behaviours that to some extent we all do, but in this context, they can be taken to an extreme. Tooth grinding I can tell you, is very common and I see some fairly severe wear on the teeth of autistic patients in my office.  In the extreme I see tooth wear equivalent to someone twice or three times their age.

   In terms of being able to manage behaviours that occur in a public setting, the use of things like mini trampolines and exercise balls can be invaluable. Kids can use the exercise balls as chairs at school. They can better pay attenion when their bodies are also being challenged. They need exercise to burn off anxiety and to allow them to concentrate. I think it is why I have noticed such a big difference taking the boys to the YMCA.

  Inappropriate stimming behaviours such as licking or smelling people can be redirected by substituting hard candies or aromatherapy. There are ways to successfully redirect some of these behaviours. We had a terrible time with magnetic toys. Our son could not resist the taste and feel of magnetic things in his mouth. We tried everything to discourage this as we were really worried he would choke. The final straw was hearing on a news story of a child who ended up with a gangrenous section of bowel after swallowing two magnetic balls  that then attracted each other and cut off the blood supply to a section of the child's intestine. That was it, we threw them all out and continued to get rid of anything he put in his mouth. This was effective in extinguishing this behaviour while he was still under 10 years of age.

   My honest suggestion after listening to Temple is work with your child. To totally try to extinguish these behaviours is to deny that there is a difference in how they process sensory information.  Accomodate or redirect their stimming behaviours as necessary especially when they are dangerous. But realize that our children's sensory input systems are very different than ours, and that these behaviours help to relieve them to some extent. Where the child is capable, talk about the behaviours and find out whether they are used to "rev up" or "rev down".  Once we understand, it is easier to find alternate behaviours that might be more socially acceptable. These behaviours often make them a target for teasing and bullying. If your child is high functioning they may be able to learn enough insight into the reactions of their peers to these behaviours to be very motivated to find alternatives.

  In love and light,
Kathryn

   

The Gifts of Meditation- Healing Anxiety

   For those of you who know me, I would like to announce that I actually spent two and a half days in noble silence this weekend at a meditation retreat. Okay, okay, enough laughing! I have the certificate to prove it!

  Why you might ask? Well, one of the things that I worry about ( there's an irony) is the anxiety component of Autism. I lose sleep at night over how to offer my son some sanctuary in his life, some relief from the worries of everyday. The diet has been amazing, the melatonin- a blessing, but the base mechanics of Autism make everything that makes so much sense in our life, a mystery to him. How could that not produce fear, and a sense of anxiety.

  In my own busy life, I have sought the refuge of meditation to create space for myself. As a business person, partner and mother, I have lived the empty cup syndrome and as I said, found it was not sustainable. This retreat for me was an opportunity to go within, to learn to create space within me, so that there is room for the gifts of intuition and spirit to show up in my life. To access that spring of well being that comes from within each of us.  I have talked to both of my kids and tried to explain it. What makes me laugh is the silence is like a magnet for them. The stillness. People are drawn to the stillness.  No matter where they are in the house, when I start meditating, POOF there they are!

  I bought a bunch of intuition decks, which are cards that you can draw which are meant to draw your attention to your own intuition. There are power animals, universal law cards, and many others. I thought they might help us communicate better. The kids love them. When I pull out the decks everyone wants to pull cards and we talk about what the cards mean in relation to what has happened to them during the day. It has been a really fun way to connect and to get them to talk. Those of you who have teenagers know what I am talking about. Anything that works, right?!

  My yougest son asked me about what I did all weekend while I was away, and to the best of my ability I explained what I went to learn and talked about creating a safe place withing myself. A place to recharge my batteries.  We talked about how he could do the same. He said he would like that. And so we will start slowly and try together to create sacred space in our lives, a place to retreat when we need relief and healing. A place where we can connect with each other and learn to appreciate the beauty and rightness of who we each are. He said something funny to me tonight. He said "You know Mom, you are turning into some sort of a hippie, but it's kind of good."  My oldest just shakes his head and laughs, but he'll still pull a card if they are out....

In love and light from the hippie,
Kathryn

Leading From My Soul

I believe we all exist at a soul level to learn in this life.
Soul is the most beautiful word because it encompasses infinite possibilities. It is our link to the divine. It is our way back home.

  When I took the accountability course, I was asked to look at the patterns showing up in my life.  The hurts that stayed like scabs that would not heal.  They were all about rejection and unworthiness.  Jay Fiset asked me to turn these upside down and in that, I would find my mission and purpose here on earth.  In that moment, I had my greatest epiphany. I am here to live the lesson of acceptance and to help myself and others develop self worth and self love. I am here to live with my heart wide open.

  Further to my belief that we are here to learn, I would offer that I believe in reincarnation. Not the type where you can be bad and come back as a washing machine or a snail (although that always makes me laugh, and has kept me on the straight and narrow! ). It falls more in line with my belief about why we are here. I believe I am like a memory stick, one that carries on it, the learning and loving of many lifetimes. If  this is true ( and at this point , no one can prove me wrong ) it is likely that I have belonged to a variety of races and cultures.

  Would that change your perspective on the world? Suddenly there are no us, no them.  Only a well from which we all spring and to which we all return again.

   Many cultures have the concept of the 7 heavens, which correspond to the seven levels of conciousness. Some believe that when we pass over, we go to the level of understanding, the heaven which we have achieved and stay there to ensure we have fully internalized the lessons, before returning to chose another life path. What a beautiful thought, that we are offered so many opportunities. They also believe that we reincarnate often into the children of our children, that we participate in teaching and then learning from those we have taught. Those who believe in Karma believe that we repeat lives as we repeat experiences within one life until we have the awareness to see the lesson being offered to us. Once we accept it, we move on to the next gift from above.

  My passion and my vision is to create space where all people can safely grow and experience their own greatness, their own strengths, vision and awareness. My purpose is to be in service, to myself, my loved ones, and to the world around me. To help people raise awareness of our similarities instead of our differences.  My mission is to participate in healing the world and all within it, one kind action at a time.

  When my children ask why, these are the things that I share. Because each of us journeys to learn what we contracted to learn before we ever were born. That to be excluded, is to learn the joy and meaning of including others.  To feel different, is to learn to value the differences between us.  To feel unworthy, is to learn the beauty of self acceptance, self love. To want to be part of something meaningful, is to connect to our soul's purpose.
 

  In love and light,
Kathryn

Synchronicity - Look For The Hidden Message

  Well if you just read the last blog, you know my boys are blissfully comatose in the room and I have found an internet connection! So let's get back to it, shall we?

  On the airplane,  I was reading Deepak Chopra's book called "The Soul of Leadership". It is a fascinating book, and honest to God I feel like he wrote it to me. The journey I have been on this last half a dozen years is staring at me on every page. I was engrossed. The lessons I have learned as a manager in my own business, in friendships and family relationships. I couldn't believe it. He even uses "she" in the majority of his writing, which is odd you know, if you have read many leadership books or even books on management. The pronoun used is predominantly "he". Now I am not a raging feminist. But I am observant, and that struck me as odd. A message to my soul.

  I am about two thirds of the way through the book when we land. He spells out the word LEADERS and gives the acronym for each of the letters. The last one is Synchronicity. The understanding that there are no coincidences, only every day miracles and messages sent to all of us. We either look for them and know they are there, or we don't. Our minds and hearts must be open to receive the gifts of direction that are all around us. If we have prejudged and restricted what we believe, we will not be "in sync" with the universe and we miss out on being able to be guided with purpose where we are supposed to go.

   People who understand synchronicity would be people viewed as "lucky" from outside, but the real mystery is that they simply are open, watching and they go where they are guided to go. They stay in the present and they allow their awareness to guide them. So I put my book in my lap on the bus and I am thinking about Leah and my experiences in Sedona on our retreat. That was my first opportunity a few years ago to meditate and be really open, in nature to "see what showed up" for me. I was overwhelmed by the messages coming in. Intruiged and by the end of the week exhausted!!!!! I thought no wonder I don't see all of this stuff at home. There is a lot!
  
   This year I had the same experience, and one afternoon as I was thanking the Universe for all that I had learned in that wonderful restful week, a huge grasshopper jumped right in front of me where I was about to put my foot. I pulled my foot back and stopped for a moment. LOCUST might be a better description, he was huge! And looking right at me! Not moving an inch! I sat down on the step I was on and looked right back at him and said " What! " And then the absurdity of that struck me and Leah heard me laughing all the way from the room. He was one more message from the Universe for me and I was almost full already after a week of being immersed in that kind of awareness!!

  Anyway, he looked pretty serious, so I did look him up in my Animal Speaks book when I got to the room and Grasshoppers are about leaping forward in your life. Progress. He did have a message for me that little bugger and he was determined to deliver it!

  So back to the bus, I am looking out the window with the book on my lap thinking about how grateful I am for every moment of my life so far, my wonderful partner, my boys, the ability to travel and learn, for the very book I am holding in my lap. A sign leaps out in front of me . A simple street sign. LEADERS AVENUE. And I know, that is where I want to go.

   Thank you for the synchronicity that is showing up in my life. I intend to open my heart up so wide that I will be watching for every kind and helpful thing you send my way. I intend to lead with my soul and hopefully share with all of you, that is all you need to start experiencing these kinds of moments. A soul. And since you are all reading this, you are alive and that means you have one. Open it up, be aware that every moment the Universe wants to help and if you are watching, small miracles will start to appear in your life and you too can be one of the "lucky one's". We all can. It is our birthright as human beings. We have only forgotten how.

  I wish you an amazing, day full of synchronicity.
In Love and Light,
Kathryn

No Problem Man! Gluten Free in Jamaica

We arrived in Jamaica, safe and sound. We had a very long flight and day mostly due to the fact I completely
neglected to think to notify the airlines about our meal requirements. We haven't been anywhere since we started this whole process and because we had the travel agent deal with the hotel around the gluten free, casein free issue, I wrongly assumed he had taken care of that! Breakfast showed up on the airplane as eggs with cheese or french toast with yogurt and a croissant. You would be hard pressed to include more gluten or dairy in that if you tried! There were no other options and no fruit at all.

  We left yesterday morning at 5 am and travelled until we hit the hotel at 5pm, the boys having survived on a banana and the almonds and cashews I packed in the carry on. They both had a cashew butter and jam sandwich ( which they looked at with disdain holding the very corner of the plastic bag as though it were someone's dirty diaper), but neither got that hungry ( mom's are way less picky, trust me, I ate mine!). We didn't even make it to the room but headed instead to the buffet to plow a trail, only to find that it was Asian night and everything in the restaurant was gluten covered in some way. The a la carte restaurants were long pants ( the boys were in shorts) and the italian restaurant was an hour wait with no guarantee of corn or rice pasta.

  The boys were so droopy they started to talk about just going back to the room which I knew would be a disaster with no food when a waiter with a sharp eye, noticed us kind of circling around not knowing what to do. He asked if he could help. I explained the problem briefly and he reached for the walkie talkie on his belt and said a few words in Patoi which is a mix of African, French and Spanish. Within minutes, the head chef for the complex was standing in front of me with his big white chef hat perched on his head. Once again I related our situation. He gave me a huge white smile and said , "No Problem Man! Let's get these men fed! They are not looking so good! " And with that he swept us into the restaurant past the one hour waiting line and told the kids to order whatever they wanted. They would make it especially for them. My oldest son was so tired he settled for a plate of fries and a big fruit plate, and my youngest son ordered up a huge steak and fries and ate the whole thing like a starving man.

  Once food was on the table, he explained that all we needed to do was let them know where and what we wanted to eat for dinner and it would be waiting for us in whatever restaurant we chose to go to. Wow. Talk about service. Everyone smiling and so willing to be helpful.

  This morning, the kids are exhausted and still enjoying their sleep. I have been up for hours. I forgot what it was like to be a teenager! I went to the hotel orientation this morning and the cheery Sunwing representative started out her talk by saying " you will hear a lot of No, Problem Man! here, that's because in Jamaica, there are no problems, only situations needing to be solved." How right she is.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you to the kind people who helped us out last night, may the universe pay you back in kind. Bless you all!

  A great start to what I am sure will be a memorable vacation.....if I can ever get them out of bed! LOL
Thank goodness I have all of you!

In love and light,
Kathryn