That statement pretty much sums it up doesn't it?
And yet how often on this journey do I find myself clutching the covers at night trying to steal a few precious moments for myself, or sick and run down from burning the candle at both ends without any thought about what is happening within me when I don't take any time to recharge my own battery?
This discussion is about the self care that we as mother's, father's and caregivers of children with special needs often neglect. But it is a critical component of running the long term marathon, because if your own cup is empty, you have nothing to give to those around you. And what is worse and more concerning than that, you are actually depleting your own core life energy which is harder to replace.
I am not the poster child for self care as those in my life know, so I am not writing this as your teacher, but as someone also on the path just trying to figure out what works for me. In Personal Best Level three we did an exercise about what the three levels of nurture look like, Self, Others, and the World. Now in my life, World and Others always came out of the cup first, and whatever was left floating around in the bottom of my cup ( the dregs) was for me. In the course of that exercise for the first time in thirty some years`, as they wrote ideas on a white board the picture started to come together in a much more concrete way. If I wrote a list myself the same way we did as a group, of things that would be nurturing to me, for example, a hot bath with bubbles, a few hours of solitude to paint, an hour a day to walk. If I made the effort to set aside small chunks of time just for me, I would in fact be filling up my own cup. Which would actually be adding to my patience and adding to my ability to cope. And when that cup runneth over, guess what? There is lots to share with others and the world, but the very best of that spring always goes through me first.
It is not easy to find the time. That much I know. I run a full time dental practice, I have shopping and meals and cleaning just like you. We have after hours sports and activities to drive to. And I am a single mom. I have tried a few things to find a few more moments in the day, some successful , some not. I tried to hire a personal chef to help me with the kids meals since we were banned from so many different foods cooking was getting tricky, It wasn't that expensive, the same as our groceries for the week, but the kids really didn't like mushy cooked vegetables and frozen cooked meats with sauce. So, that didn`t work. But on the up side, the kids suddenly realized how much work was happening behind the scenes to get an edible dinner ready and now one offers to set the table, the other chops salad and many hands make light work.
One of the things that takes me at least an hour a week is counting out all their pills into their pill containers each week, and harassing them to take them twice a day as well. We sat down and had a family meeting about how many things needed to get done in the morning for us to leave as well as for us to sit down for a meal as a family and the kids have been amazingly helpful. I wonder why I never asked before! Part of it, is that from a purely selfish perspective it makes me feel needed. All those little things are ways to tell them that I love them. However, from an energy perspective, all those little things add up and pretty much drain the joy and happiness right out of me and replace them with fatigue and sometimes, despair.
I have always been a person who is very high energy and to be happy, I need to move. My mom figured this out when I was studying hour upon hour in dental school. When I get into helpless mode, she would kick my ass out the door and send me for a run. She did some reading about large muscle group activity and it`s ability to decrease anxiety. Well it certainly works for me. And interestingly, it also works for my kids.
Never being able to find any time to go to the gym, I finally went to the YMCA and bought a family pass. Now when I need my walk, my boys get tossed in the car and they either swim or walk on the treadmill, or workout on the machines. They actually are enjoying it as much as I am and I have no guilt, because I am looking after myself and getting them away from the infernal video games. Better than that, we laugh and we talk all the way there, and all the way home. It is family time.
Keeping contact with friends has been difficult as anyone with these issues knows. There just simply don`t seem to be enough hours in the day. But nothing is more important than hooking up with some sort of support group. I have my amazing partner who is truly my soul mate and has learned so much with me. I have the support of my wonderful immediate family and extended family. I have 21 beautiful women in my practice who make my every day inspiring. I have deep friendships that nourish my soul even when there are no words between us, when we pick up again, no time has passed. I thank God for all of these things in my life.
I am adding meditation and yoga to the mix because my soul seems hungry to learn more. Seek meaning in this journey. I am a very intuitive person and also a very busy minded person. The study of meditation is helping me to ask my mind to step quietly aside for a few precious moments and allow my intuitive self space. I feel sometimes in this process like a child again. In the best possible way. In that time before everything got so very complicated. When the answers just seemed to pop into my heart without any effort. I am amazed at how clearly my answers come when I still myself to listen. The yoga has been important because I realize that I mostly live in my head. That I have disconnected in a funny way from my body. Through yoga and dance I am reclaiming the whole of myself with joy and abandon.
Take care that you take care of the beautiful vessel that houses your soul, for you yourself are an amazing gift to the world. Healing must start within, and become a beautiful light inside you that grows and radiates outwards to warm all of those around you. Start small. Make a list today of things that nourish your soul. Make it a long list even if you don`t intend to do all of them. Then pick one a day and start this very moment.
And smile because heaven knows you are worth it.
In love and light,
Kathryn
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