If I Had Known What You Would Remember......

    I had a beautiful evening with my boys. One of those spontaneous times that you can't plan where we didn't even do anything particularly special.

   It was my day off and as we are all doing these days, I spent my day rushing around doing a hundred little errands that needed to be done before the kids go back to school. Groceries, farmer's market to get the summer's last berries for jam.

   I came home and was a little miffed to find two boys shirtless, in jeans hanging lower than mother likes them to hang, "Markie mark" type underwear emerging from the top, kitchen filthy and nothing done. I had a moment of frustration since they had been off hanging around all day and I had been running around like a crazy person. They are pretty good at sensing my moods and as they surveyed the scene, one disappeared into the garage to unload the groceries and the other suddenly became aware of the mess he had avoided seeing all day.  The chaos that was the kitchen disappeared into the dishwasher and they both hung around to visit in the tv room with me while I started dinner.

   My oldest is now a "BBQ master", so he got steaks ready, and onto the engine shaped BBQ he had to have last fall at a fundraiser we attended. We enjoyed a lovely meal and then without me having to ask they both cleaned up the kitchen and then sat down to watch a bit of TV.

   I have this thing. This crazy earth mother thing where I buy a ton of produce in the summer, freeze it and then try to make homemade jams, tomatoe sauces and stuff for the kids in the fall and winter. It drives them crazy because they would rather eat Kraft jam with all the chemicals, but I keep doing it anyway. It makes me feel like I am looking after them in some odd way.

   I was really tired, but I had three flats of berries to deal with so I dug in with both hands and started getting them ready for the freezer. About a half hour in, my youngest looks up and says, "You look tired Mom, do you want some help?" Not a big deal for a neuro typical kid, but for an Aspie to look at you and make an assesment like that is kind of a huge thing! He came to the table and decided to keep me company. My oldest drifted up the stairs and sat down with us and we started laughing as the conversation meandered around things they were thinking, school, and the topics of the day. They were both eating as I was hulling and sorting and laughing at their antics.  "You are crazy Mom" came the comment with berries practically spilling out of his mouth "why do you buy all these berries? " And as I watched them enjoying the moment I thought, this, this is why I do everything I do. To share moments, precious moments with my two amazing kids.

    I was so filled with gratitude that I got to work the next morning and tried to find an old email that I loved. It was one of those emails where I should have saved it but I didn't at the time and know I have tried to locate it a hundred times but can't. It was a letter from a parent to a child about the things they wished they had known. A dear friend suggested maybe if I couldn't find it I should write my own version and so that it what I did.

  In the moment I realized that night, that the big moments we try to create for our children are rarely the things that they cherish and remember. I know they weren't for me. The things that created the richest tapestry of memories for me are the things that they never would have known were that significant.
   
    I hope you are touched for a moment and that it takes you into your own heart.

If I Had Known What You Would Remember

I would have done it more often,

More tenderly,

And with my full attention

 

My imagination races with ideas

Creating a careful map

Of Childhood wonder

Hoping your recollections

Will be as full and colourful as my own

 

I fall into bed exhausted

Certain that today will have been

That perfect day

 

And I dream of the things that I remember

And I realize that it was her beige corduroy pants

The feel of her suede jacket under my fingers

So proud of her at my school

Of the thousand outfits she must have worn

I remember that one

 

His prickly, tickly mustache and the way it itched me

When he kissed me good night.

Riding in his truck at Christmas time

Doing errands, getting chubby “pop shoppe” sodas

Singing as loud as we could in the car

To the 8 track player and the Eagles

 

The ring of their laughter

With all of their friends

When I was supposed to be fast asleep

 

The way she absently stroked my hair around behind my ears

As she was talking, and my head lay in her lap

And she thought I was already asleep

 

My memories are full of the moments

I am sure they never knew

And they are more dear to me

Than anything they could have planned.

 

And I realize life is perfect

And they will remember what is important

Without me ever knowing.