Costumes- The Masks We Wear

  Sometimes the simplest moments give me the most profound epiphanies.

Halloween is a Big Event in my household. We are all a little nutty and there is nothing we like more than dressing up on the 31st. This year we had a myriad of Halloween Events to attend.

  Both of my kids are enrolled in a Leadership In Training Program at the YMCA. Their mother's misguided attempt to make them morally responsible citizens. Anyway. Last weekend they put on a huge Halloween party for all the kids at the Y. They dressed up and manned booths for events like pumkin bowling, hauted houses, touch this gross thing that is supposed to feel like eye balls, you know.

  It was about 5 hours long and at the end of it I went to pick them up and they weren't quite done. We were meeting my mom for sushi and so they agreed they would walk across the parking lot when they were done and meet us.

   They stumbled in giggling their heads off and my oldest says of his brother "He is like dancing Dan, that guy in the west end who dances on the corner! People were waving, honking! "
And my youngest started to demonstrate his moves with a big smile on his face in his stretchy green suit.  Who is this confident young guy and where is my shy son? Both of them had a real sense of mischievious fun about them.  They were in their element.

   My oldest had a great costume he got off the internet that made him look older and very handsome and confident. He looked good and he knew it! My youngest carried his banana costume to school singing the peanut butter jelly song and I laughed to myself.

   Sometimes we are more ourselves in costume than out. Behind the mask we can be silly, fun and confident. Something we should practice more often. Laughing at ourselves!

In love and light,
Kathryn

Why Can't The Walls Be Transparent In This Place?

Okay. Sounds like an odd title I know. But let me draw you a funny picture.

   So we are having problems right now with my twelve year old and some of his behaviours. Two of such behaviours are related to hiding garbage and toilet seats. Now some of you are already laughing and about to enlighten me that this is teenage boy and has nothing at all to do with Autism or ADD, but wait...

   So the kids go on holidays with my parents to their float cabin out at the coast this summer. My mom tells me when they get back that she has found an odd behaviour occuring. My youngest will squirrel wrappers behind every door even if a garbage is within arms reach. And dirty socks go under the couch where you don't find them except for the strong smell that drags me in like a blood hound weeks later. My mom thought it was just related to her trying to discipline him ( sort of a flip Grandma the bird! as it were). Now the added complication is that we have a wonderful Nanny who is amazing with the kids. I had no idea he was doing this because she cleans it up all the time and he just continues to do it. Not a lot of learning going on there and he better get a good job because he is going to need her for life if he doesn't figure this out!

   Toilet etiquette is the other bain of my existence! And I know you are all laughing but really? Come on!!

   Now here is the catch. Autistic kids are like houses, as are we all. The wiring that runs connecting things is all covered in drywall. Now for most of us, if there is a wall and a plug, we pretty much can assume there is a wire connecting the two. Not for our kids. Sometimes there is a plug and a wall and there is nothing strung between the two. And without a wire, there cannot be a signal no matter how many times you plug that damn lamp in.

   There are moments I wish his house had transparent walls. So that I could see where there are wires and where there are not. My frustrations as a parent and my feelings of guilt and failure are so very tied to not wanting to punish him where he has no connections and not wanting to let him down as a parent where those lessons are teachable and the wires are connected, but perhaps underdeveloped.
It is an ongoing struggle.

    I have been divorced now for almost four years, and on Sunday night when he was leaving to go to his Dad's, he stopped and looked at me. With a kind of concerned look on his face he said " I feel guilty going tonight and leaving you all alone." You could have knocked me over with a feather. EMPATHY.
Where did that come from? Who cares. It's here. I smiled and told him I would be fine, and that I loved him. And that it mattered so much to me that he would think of me, and he could phone me if he was thinking I would be lonely. He smiled. And then it was like it never happened. But it was a spark.
There is a wire there even if it is one tiny thread. And that, I can work with.

In love and light,
Kathryn